What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
