did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
