I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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