dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
