I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
