I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
