ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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