She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Drunk is not a location!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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