A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
His hands were made for my vagina.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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