Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
