Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
