I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
