I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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