these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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