tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
