last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is wine microwaveable?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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