it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
