the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize