college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
