nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
