I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize