Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
