Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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