My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
