i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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