this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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