i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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