a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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