thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
