His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
