so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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