$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I wish there were birth control emojis
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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