She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
