____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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