dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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