Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
