Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
