I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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