for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
