You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
