You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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