So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
