I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
