I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
