I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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