You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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