Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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