No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
