i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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