My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
