You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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