Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize