My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
