Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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