I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
