i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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