Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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