i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
